I have these dreams each night of you and I running away. But where is away? Where on this mothership could we escape? We need to be set free. I don’t consider myself an American. I don’t actually consider myself anything really. I don’t want to use terms like “vegan” or “atheist” or “bisexual”. These just help others to understand me. But there is so much more to me. Something I definitely am not, though…is American. I could give a shit about money. I wish I had no job and no clothes and nowhere to be. Just me and mine running barefoot through life with some green in our nonexistent pockets (no, not that green) and some sun on our backs. All I want is love. I want to love him like I have to work full time. I want to mother her like most people want to buy a house. I want to focus all of my being on my soulmate and my starshine. Spend each day loving and also coming into existence with people like us (people who could give a shit or at least people who support us not giving a shit). So back to my first point: where can we make this happen? Or, a more realistic thought: how can we make this happen?

my shaken body let out secrets
gotta husband and a kid now
can’t be keepin’ all these regrets
in this locked cage
in this locked car
where our whispers curl
around our lips like winter breath
that stings hard

one night i finally looked to you
noticed that i said too much
need to let you know right now
that i didn’t mean to give a fuck
those words i uttered there,
in the privacy of clouds of smoke,
they were full of naivety and fear

you were my best friend, true
but what about the other part of you
the one that can’t let things be
or maybe that’s me
either way, take those words i uttered
erase them from your mind
i gotta husband and a kid now…
you understand, right?

One of the last pregnant photos by Rachel Keller

Today is the first day I have looked back on my birth with only happy memories. No regrets, no fear, no trauma. I hope these overwhelming happy thoughts remain and I can let go of the sadness. I need to cut myself some slack. I had a beautiful labor. I think I am finally ready to share my actual birth story:

I came to a place in my pregnancy where I was completely at peace with all that was happening. How huge my body was growing, the stretch marks, the uncomfortable nights, the mood swings, and most of all, not knowing exactly when she would arrive. I knew the end was near and it would all be worth it. I quit working two weeks before my estimated due date to totally emerse myself in that special time of my life. I stopped keeping track of the dates. I spent my days resting my body and mind. I spent my nights enjoying the last bit of alone time my husband and I would share. I let myself savor all of my baby’s movements, knowing how precious that time was.

On the night of Thursday, October 6th, I was out of sorts. I was having the most uncomfortable night yet. My braxton hicks were more uncomfortable than usual and my trips to the bathroom more frequent than ever. I spent most of the night bouncing on my birth ball listening to music. I awoke the next morning right before my husband’s 7:00 alarm. I felt wetness between my legs and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was my bag of waters leaking. Stephen woke up a minute later, turned off his alarm, and I told him the news.

We called my midwife who came over to confirm this news. My bag of waters was leaking but it was also stained with meconium. This meant I needed to start having contractions within the next 12 hours and give birth within the next 24-48 hours so I didn’t get an infection. My midwife left after the inspection and told us to call when contractions started. From here, Stephen and I went about our Friday morning running some last-minute errands for the birth.

Stephen cleaned the house and blew up the birth pool. We went shopping at a few different stores for some supplies. We bought a little pink headband, which made me excited knowing my baby would be able to wear it very soon. Stephen and I stopped to get some coffee and eventually made our way home.

In the afternoon, I developed a fever before contractions ever started. This really worried Stephen and me. We were scared that with all the circumstances and now a fever, we wouldn’t be able to have our home birth. We sat in our bed getting really frustrated until we finally overcame our fears. We decided that if a hospital birth had to happen, it had to happen. After overcoming this emotional roadblock, we started encouraging contractions with nipple stimulation and pressure points. The pressure points worked very well. Stephen would squeeze between my thumb and index finger and a strong contraction would follow.

In the evening, we started walking around the apartment complex across the street from our house and this is when contractions really picked up. I was wearing layers and layers of clothes but my water leaked right through and all over the sidewalk. We were having such a fun time with this! Stephen would ask if I was ready for a contraction, would squeeze my hand, and we would squat and hug while I contracted and my water gushed out everywhere. We just kept laughing at how absurd we must look. After walking, we went inside and this is when I felt like I was high with just a little pain mixed in.

Eventually, my contractions grew stronger and closer together, the pain got more intense, and I felt more and more detached from the outside world. Honestly, the rest of labor is a bit of a blur from here. My midwife came over at some point that night but left me to labor in peace while she slept in her van in our driveway. I was in my nice warm birth pool, midwife outside, and Stephen taking a nap on the living room floor next to me. This is when I made a lot of progress. I just wanted to be left completely alone. I would meditate (which felt like being in a very deep, lucid dream) then snap out of it when a contraction would come and dance and moan my way through it.

Stephen woke up and my midwife came back inside at some point during the night. My midwife’s assistant also came over. She and my midwife hung out in the kitchen while my husband and I labored. Stephen helped me contract on the toilet throughout the night. I would sit backward and rest on a pillow while Stephen applied pressure to my back and hips. I went back and forth between the toilet and birth pool until the toilet contractions were just too much. I spent a lot of time in the pool because it felt more comfortable.

At one point, I threw up which I knew to be a sign of transition. It turned out that it wasn’t a sign for me though. I was just unlucky and threw up throughout my labor. I had a big bowl floating around the birth pool to vomit into and another big bowl floating full of ice to munch on. I also had my water bottle wherever I went and would take a big swig after each contraction.

Late at night, I felt the urge to push. After a good amount of pushing, my midwife suggested that I head to the toilet. I didn’t want to because I knew it would hurt worse. I kept saying I would go “after this contraction”. She convinced me to go by saying I would either be pushing longer in the pool or experience some pain and have a shorter amount of pushing on the toilet. I was ready to meet my baby so we made our way to the bathroom. I was in so much pain at this point. Every contraction radiated from my hips throughout my entire body. I felt like my hips especially, but whole body were on fire. This is when I started crowning.

We didn’t want to have our baby on the toilet so we made our way back to the birth pool. Before this point of labor, I didn’t want to even be looked at, let alone touched. But now, I needed to hang all over Stephen. I needed to stare deep into his eyes and hear him reminding me to take big breaths. Pushing was so intense compared to just contractions. It was overwhelming and very frustrating. I had my hand on top of her head for hours, from when it was deep inside me to when I was crowning. I could feel her just creeping ever so slowly out no matter how hard I pushed.

After many pushes, my midwife discovered a varicosity, a vein that was in the way of me pushing. I wanted to give birth in the pool but my midwife had me get out and onto our bed. As soon as she told me to get out of the pool, I did. I didn’t even think about the comfort of the pool I’d be leaving behind and the pain that was to follow. It had been an entire day since my water had broken on Friday morning. It was now Saturday morning and I was beyond ready to meet my baby.

Pushing on our bed was the most horrific pain imaginable. My midwife had to hold back the vein while I pushed, which was the hardest part. I was getting more and more scared. I was downright panicking when I felt the “ring of fire” which actually doesn’t even begin to describe the excruciating pain that I felt. At some point, my midwife said she might have to do an episiotomy (something she’d only had to do one other time in 10 years). I actually said, “Yes please!” to this in an almost begging tone because I could just feel myself not having enough room to get my baby out.

Everyone kept encouraging me, though. My midwife gave me some tough love and opened my legs up when I had them closed because I was too scared to push the final push. She even said, “Noo…” when she did it to which I replied in a very shaky, terrified voice, “I’m gonna rip!”. She said that was okay. I looked to her assistant and she told me I was doing so good and I could do it. It wasn’t her words that I believed but her big, encouraging eyes. Stephen was right behind me, tears in his eyes, telling me we were so close.

I then did the absolute impossible. I pushed through the scorching pain and my little girl’s head was out. I was able to make room with everyone’s encouragement and get her out. Harper Luna started crying with just her head peeking out, which was this small, adorable voice. Stephen was absolutely bawling but I was too in shock to let out tears. I pushed the rest of her body out which was relatively easy compared to her head. My midwife suctioned her then I brought her to my chest. Harper just cried and cried while I delivered my placenta, which was the easiest part. Stephen held my placenta in a bowl until her cord stopped pulsating, then cut it.

I had torn quite significantly so my midwife started numbing me to sew me up. Stephen and I just stared at our beautiful little baby girl. She started nursing between cries. Stephen was in tears throughout everything but I was too full of adrenaline. I was in a wide awake but very altered state of mind. My midwife decided I had torn pretty badly, so she wanted me to go to the hospital and get sewn up by my backup doctor to be safe. This was quite an ordeal, a story to be saved for another day.

26 hours after my water had broken, Harper Luna was finally in our arms. She arrived naturally on her due date, Saturday October 8, 2011 at 9:37 a.m. in our bed. She was alert, strong, and healthy. Harper Luna was 7lbs, 2oz and the most beautiful baby in the world.

Our first family photo after a very exhausting labor

Harper Luna on her first day, holding Grandma's hand

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I have swam through an ocean of flames. Felt the fire twist and turn every ounce of my being. With eyes wide shut, I have traveled to lands beyond my recognition. I would wake from a deep trance to allow the pain to enter me. I would let the words, “This will pass” scroll my mind. I heard nothing from the outside world. I only heard mantras repeated in soft whispers. I pictured a flower opening one petal at a time. Harper Luna was snuggled inside: a treasure for me to keep. A purple flower on a hill in a field of dancing grasses underneath a glowing moon. I later placed myself in the midst of trees taller than the sky. Moonlight pouring onto me and my child. When I saw my soulmate, I saw a bridge: the link to get me to her. I saw our love blooming in swirls of dark shadows. His face was my anchor until that flower was wide open. I could finally reach inside and gather our daughter in my arms. I embraced her and in that moment, I felt strength I could never imagine. Our bodies were at last separate but our hearts still entwined. Harper Luna, you are a moon child. Reflecting the light of our illuminated hearts. You are strong. You are wanted. You are pure love.

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